Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Why I'm Drinking More Coffee in 2006

For those who felt that I set my sights too low for 2006, here is an important "news story" (Disclaimer: not a true story) by David Deckert. Enjoy!

SEATTLE (PA) -- SEATTLE MAN ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE -- Police in downtown Seattle arrested a man for indecent exposure today. Mr. Michael Feldman of 714 SE James St., was arrested after police determined that he was carrying neither a cellphone nor a latte. He was taken into custody and cited with criminal non-possesion of caffeine and failure to provide an annoying ring melody in a public place. He was later fined and released under his own recognizance.

Police first became suspicious of Mr. Feldman after they observed him briskly crossing a busy street at a crosswalk while failing to stop and hold up traffic. The officers reported that since Mr. Feldman did not seem to be carrying any sort of coffee they stopped him for questioning. A brief search determined that neither was he carrying any sort of communication device.

"He didn't even have a pager," said Officer "Buck" Simmons of the Seattle Police Department. "We figured he must be one of them anarchists, so we gassed him just to be on the safe side."

Mr. Feldman apologized for his actions and said that he hoped that no innocent bystanders had been affected. He explained that the unexpected sunny weather had "put him out of sorts" and that he had neglected to don his cellphone before leaving the house. Mr. Feldman later told reporters, "I guess I was too busy looking at that blue sky." Said Officer "Buck" Simmons, "He just kept looking up. Like at the sky or something. We thought he was a psycho."

A similar incident happened last month when a Mr. Jeffrey DuChamp was arrested and faced the same charges. Those charges were later dropped when it was discovered that Mr. DuChamp was Canadian, and he was summarily deported.

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